Thinking about this month’s theme of listening I’ve been reflecting on why I find it so hard to be silent in a group environment- to pause and wait for others to speak. In my experience as a facilitator and coach, I feel this tension almost every time I work. That growing anxiety as I pause and wait for input or a response from someone else in the room or on the zoom call. But why do I feel this way?
- Is it that I feel inadequate if I’m not contributing or controlling the conversation?
- Is it that I worry my client won’t be getting value if I’m not talking?
- Is it that I just have so much valuable stuff to say that I must get it out?
- Is it that I don’t want to give others a chance to get their threepence worth in?
- Am I worried that they might say something contradictory?
- or even worse, they might say something more insightful or valuable than I could?
The palpable tension as the pause lengthens, and silence fills the space.
What are they thinking? Will someone step up? What happens if they don’t, and will it seem like I’ve wasted their valuable time being quiet.
It’s a ridiculous fear really, that a 30-second pause might result in a failure to meet a deadline, or get a job done, or meet the boss’s needs, particularly as we have already used 10 times more than that on arguing who is right or wrong on some aspect of the issue.
And then relief! Someone steps in with an insight, a question, a comment, an idea. It cascades from there like a dam has broken and overwhelms those assumptions and anxieties.
So I have learnt that the pain of being silent is one of the keys to listening more effectively. But this insight doesn’t make it any easier to keep my mouth shut for those seemingly interminable seconds!